Wikipedia, you fucking lie

This post was written by Dark_Sage. He is Dark_Sage.

    

So I decided to watch a film based on what Wikipedia said of it. As you may have discerned from the title, this was a terrible fucking idea. The movie it told me to watch was Audition, which I was told was supposed to be “difficult to watch” due to its “grisly content” and this great quote “Considered by many to be Takashi Miike’s masterpiece, this cringe-inducing, seriously disturbed film boasts one of the most unbearable scenes of torture in movie history… It’s revolting in the best possible way; the prolific Miike goes for the jugular here, and he cuts deep” simply sealed the deal for me.

Well, they were right about one thing: the film was extremely difficult to watch. Not because it was scary, but because it was the most boring piece of shit since Boring Piece of Shit: The Movie.

Stay with me on this. The first 43 minutes of the film are literally about a guy who wants to fuck a chick because she stopped doing ballet and said she got depressed about it. Yes.

After that, there are about three minutes where you think the film is going to turn into a horror film, but then it just stops and goes back to “I want to fuck this chick and continue with the movie in the most boring way possible.” A few characters are introduced that are supposed to be creepy but they make you think “I don’t even…” more than “Ohmygosh that’s so creepy desu.”

The super torture scene at the end is just a girl sticking needles into a guy. Oh noes! The horrors of acupuntary! And then the movie ends when the girl the guy wanted to fuck falls down the stairs. Yes.

Fucking waste of two hours. I’d rather have just masturbated for that duration to Tsundere Prinny Girl in Disgaea 4. Actually, I think I’ll start on making that time up. Itadakimasu!

Confused? I just rambled that out without checking any of it, so it’s bound make you say “WTF.” Here’s a fucking summary of the plot:

Dude’s wife dies. Dude is sad. Dude’s son tells him to get a girlfriend. Dude’s nii-chan (in the black kind of way) tells him that he’s got a sugoi idea to get the dude laid. Dude’s nii-chan suggests that they make a movie audition – BUT WAIT it’s actually just a scheme to find some girls to fuck. Dude is attracted to a chick who says her life ended after she could no longer do ballet. Dude goes out on dates with the chick before finally fucking her and saying he’d love her forever/some shit. Chick gets all creepy and is like “ONLY LOVE ME” (this has no relevance to the rest of the movie, I’m serious). Chick leaves after he fucks her. Dude tries to find her and encounters her step-father. Dude leaves, then the chick kills her step-father with wire (after like 10 years of not doing anything). Dude goes to his house where he gets magical flashbacks that reveal to him the chick’s past (we get to see some guy whose feet/tongue she cut off. Chick feeds him with her vomit.). Dude gets drugged and the chick tries to turn him into her weird vomit slave (not as sexy as it sounds) by stabbing him with needles and cutting off one of his feet. Dude’s son comes home and is immune to the pepper spray the chick tries to use on him. Dude’s son kicks the chick off the stairs. Movie ends, credits roll, two hours lost.