Anime Review: Red Garden

This post was written by Dark_Sage. He is Dark_Sage.

    

I picked up Red Garden because Funi decided to do a budget release of it, and I’m a sucker for cheap anime. Because I love you, I decided to share my experience of the first disc with you.
Episode 1:
I honestly can’t remember much from this. I fell asleep after one minute of the show. Not even joking. It was pretty fucking boring. There was probably a set-up of the show in the rest of the episode. You know, like introducing the viewer to the scenario – a bunch of girls go to an academy and do stuff. Except it’s really slow-paced and it sucks. The ending’s all right, at least. “Rock rock, the LM.C!”
Episode 2:
“Were you led here by the mystical butterflies, too?” And with that, the episode is set in motion. Four girls, apparently the main characters, are all gathered. And then they’re just standing around being all “OMG this is sooo scary! You all saw the butterflies? I’m freaking out here!” when this dude and this chick, dressed in business clothes, appear out of nowhere and are all “See that businessman walking over there? Ice his ass.” At first I was like “Shit yeah, a mafia anime” but then I remembered the first episode and was quickly reminded that it wasn’t going to be a good show.

So yeah, the businessman gets down on all fours and starts acting like a dog. But not just any dog. A vicious dog! So he starts trying to eat these girls with his regular human teeth. Four of them, and one of him. What do the girls do in this situation? Run away like little bitches, screaming all the while. I shit you not, I had to mute half this fucking episode because the girls wouldn’t stop screaming. Long story short, ten minutes of this episode were dedicated to them running away and screaming, when the four of them coulda easily killed this weak-ass dude who was assaulting them. I mean, like, reallllly easily.

So, uhhh, this girl is trying to climb a fence to run away from the scary man, and while he’s all dog-raping her back, she screams REALLLLLY loudly and this gives her the power to jump three stories in the air and slam this guy on the ground in front of an incoming truck. He dies, of course, and then the guy/girl from before (I’ll call them “The Suits”) inform the girls that they’re gonna have to keep killing people, because they’re dead. The four girls decide to sing a terrible, terrible song, and then the episode ends.

This is what the enemies look like.
Episode 3:
Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you that some girl died of an apparent suicide in episode 1. So, the four girls are at her funeral, and then they see The Suits there. After a minor confrontation, The Suits tell the girls to plant a red rock in the ground, which will explain everything to them, to which one of the girls responds, “I’m so scared.”

ಠ_ಠ

In the end, they all bitch at one another for five minutes and decide not to plant the thing. Instead, they go with The Suits to a rooftop where they watch four other undead wimps get killed by another dog-man. I should note, that each of those wimps get killed in one hit. Bite to the shoulder? Dead. Slap upside the head? Dead. I wish I was joking. And yes, there’s more screaming.

So they end up deciding to plant the thing somewhere, then they leave. It starts raining and a red flower blooms from the stone resulting in a RED GARDEN (of one flower only). Ohh, I see what they did there! Also, like 500 fucking butterflies appear. Because of this, the girls regain the memory of their deaths – they all went to a mansion and interrupted a satanic sex ritual, so they were killed. Then The Suits came and turned them into zombies. Episode end.
Episode 4:
I don’t even know. This episode was so fucking boring, I just imagined the girls all doing lesbian things. One of the girls bashed a dog-man’s head in with a bat, so there’s that, I guess.
Episode 5:
So, the girl who bashed in dog-man’s head last episode is in her room. This is what happens: Self-mutilation, acting like she was raped “I’m dirty! I feel so dirty!”, quick shift into “I’m so beautiful. Pearls were MADE to be put on me!” and then freaking out when she sees high-heels. Grey-haired chick is riding in the car after telling off one of the whiny girls. Talking about it, she says, “She’s a whiny little bitch and I’m sick of it.”

So, does this mean the show’s getting good? No, it still sucks.
Episode 6:
Cat fights, ugh. This shit is so fucking grating to my ears. Also in this episode, we learn that the zombie girls can eat lemons to quench their thirst for blood. Yes. And then more terrible singing. Christ. Okay, I think I’m done with this shit.
Red Garden: 0/10