This post was written by Dark_Sage. He is Dark_Sage.
You can’t always get what you want. Unless what you want is this article. Then, I guess, you can.
The Premise: A Dilemma
For the sake of this post’s introduction let’s say you were just thinking to yourself something along the lines of, “Wow, Dark_Sage-sama. Fire Emblem If-Fates-Conquest-Rebirth-Revelation is coming out this Friday and I am woefully unprepared. What should I fucking do?”
Luckily, you prayed to the right god, reader-kun. Cuz I am here to get you sorted like my rare Yu-Gi-Oh cards. (And my common ones too, cuz I’m thorough like that).
Prep Step 1: Choose Correctly
Much like most Pokemon games, there are two Fire Emblem Fates options to choose from: Conquest & Birthright. While you can technically play both versions (and should — you can buy the other version as DLC for whichever one you choose), the initial path you take is the one most telling of the content of your character. Thus, it is of vital importance that you pick the right side for you.
To assist in this difficult decision, I have developed a carefully constructed flowchart with the assistance of my shitty laptop trackpad:
If that doesn’t help, I don’t know how to make the decision any easier, but I’m gonna make the decision fucking easier:
You really gonna give up the opportunity to pet any of their fucking faces? Even if you’ve been spayed or neutered, your genes should point you to the right answer here.
Which brings me to another point:
I’ll pet anyone’s face I fucking want, fuck you Nintendo
Like anything else remotely referring to the existence of human sexuality, the Japanese version of Fire Emblem apparently offended the Christian Right Regressive Left so much that Nintendo killed off most of the skinship minigame in the Western release, among other things.
Won’t be seeing this in America anytime soon:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kfUBc5-Idpg
Now, Nintendo may have tried to censor Femblem in the west by cutting out the face petting, making every character 18+ (cuz people are fooled by that?), and replacing the voice acting of famous Japanese saiyans with unpaid interns/Funi devs… but hell if I was gonna let anyone lose out on true amie on my watch.
So here’s my undub patch — no downloads required:
- Turn on the game.
- Wait for the object of your fleeting affections to roll up on the screen.
- Rub your hands, genitals, or other misc. body parts all over your 3DS.
- Congrats, you just outwitted Nintendo.
Some nerds are currently working on an alternative method to restore the game (including the parts my solution couldn’t fix), but you’d have to keep your firmware at 10.3 or below until their patch comes out, which your OCD may not allow.
Here’s the link to their fixes if it does (work in progress, ETA who the fuck knows): http://serenesforest.net/forums/index.php?showtopic=60728
Prep Step 3: Buy an N2 Elite/Amiiqo for the DLC
If you’re anything like me, you’ve probably spent a grand or two on boxes filled with plastic figurines that look cheap even by Happy Meal standards, which you never intend to open, resell, or even acknowledge, because you don’t want to admit you fucked up by buying into the Beanie Baby hype.
Yet Nintendo has decreed that if you don’t open your four-figure Han Solo collection to scan them all in, you’ll never be allowed to fuck with your crew from Awakening again.
Which leaves you two options to unlock Nintendo’s family friendly, on-a-cart DLC:
- Become a dirty fucking heathen who spends at least $52 on character DLC and now has to explain why there’s hot glue all over Marth.
- Buy another middle finger to let Nintendo know what the fuck is up.
To acquire the N2 (an R4 for amiibos), you only have to give your credit card info and $50 to some sketchy-ass totally US-based sites and hope they don’t sell it or your address to Russian organ dealers. Then once you have the thing, simply load some amiibo .bin files you found on random Mega DDL links and cross your fingers you didn’t just give your 3DS an e-STD.
Prep Step 4: Hold fast and wait another fucking week to actually play the damn thing because only suckers pay to expedite shipping and I mean even if I expedited one of my copies I’d feel obligated to pay to expedite everything else too and shit at that point why not just dip my dick in gold and call myself Cock King Midas?
I guess this one’s more of a note-on-the-mirror type of situation, but this kind of honest dialogue is why you read my LiveJournal in the first place.
Fire Emblem Then
I dunno, I think that’s it. I do recall bouncing a few more Femblem prep ideas around when I was lying in this shitty hotel bed trying to think myself to sleep before deciding to :effort: and put fever thoughts to paper. But I’ve got work in five hours and I think the Nos is wearing off, so we’re gonna call it a night.
why don’t you have prime lmao
Well, I do, but I’m not going to play an inferior normal edition when I have the special editions coming in with all the routes on one cart.
And I’m not about to play Fates on a non-Fates 3DS. I mean, let’s be serious.
But Xythar and other SJWs said that is not their fault companies are censoring games according to their whims.
look at ncwest blade and soul, they changed the script to erase the fact there was a timetravel(and there you see a chacine on a forthcoming timeline you try to stop when you come back) for no apparent reason. It even makes you think that it was reality. Instead of helping it they’re making it worse in humanitarian sense.
tldr you can’t have expect logic in censorship
inb4 my english sucks, I know.
I was on the fence for which one to get until this article. After a deep bout of soul searching, I came to the conclusion that I am not a faggot. Good news, Conquest it is. Sasuga Dark_Sage
Good call. As a bonus, here’s a marriage cheat sheet that I wrote in a fever last night:
You could go the cool kid route and get the special edition.
I woulda rec’d that if Nintendo allowed people to actually buy the damn thing. Hell, even if people preordered, if they bought from a shitty retailer like Best Buy, they’d be fucked.
A couple additions/corrections on the hacking/homebrew front:
– There’s no need to wait if you’re still on ≤10.3, you can just downgrade your firmware, install CFW and pirate and patch the Japanese special edition. Buy the game here/import it and you can do it guilt free.
– If you’d rather have the censored (and possibly memefied?) official TL over the fan translation (which is
shittyrather mediocre tbh), then you can just patch the english script files into the JP version– You can already undub the game if you have homebrew access. Although if you’re on ≤10.3 it’d probably be better to just take the slight risk of downgrading for CFW. You’ll still have eShop access and online play using emuNAND
– For amiibos, if you have the stuff and don’t mind sideloading android apps you can also just make your own (make sure to get the newest version on TagMo that’s buried somewhere around page 15 I think): https://gbatemp.net/threads/making-amiibo-ntag215s.413050/
– Also I’ll just toss in that the Wii U’s been hacked on lower firmwares and a newest-firmware hack should be out within the next 2 months ^^
If you’re interested in any of this you can
excavatedig for more information on GBAtemp’s 3ds forums: https://gbatemp.net/categories/nintendo-3ds-discussions.198/Oh yeah, I suppose you could just straight up pirate the thing. ~_~
Re: the amiibos, you have to buy a tag per amiibo, yeah? Seems like much less of a hassle to get an amiiqo, but that seems like a right good budget option. If I’m missing something around that, lemme know — techies don’t tend to talk in plain English.
Thanks for the tips.
(Note I’m not an expert about the Amiibos, I’m just spitting out what I’ve read from the Amiibo threads)
Yes, only one Amiibo per tag, and once you write an Amiibo to a tag, the tag is locked to that Amiibo. You can’t change the Amiibo because you have to permanently lock certain pages of the tag to get it to register as an Amiibo.
You also need a specific kind of tag (NTAG215) although they’re working on getting it to work with NTAG 216s
So yeah, the Amiiqo’s probably the least hassle route.
Also re: piracy, you can also import the Japanese versions and patch those. Both homebrew and CFW have region-free (and patching*), although you won’t be able to access the Japanese eShop to legally buy the DLC/other paths without a Japanese 3ds
*Although to patch Invisible Kingdom/Revelations you currently need full CFW
Actually, rereading my first post, that first part didn’t come out quite how I’d meant it to. I meant something more along the lines of:
– If you’re still on ≤10.3, then there’s no need to wait on the fan TL team for anything. You can already downgrade, set up CFW (install’s the wrong term actually, it’s all just on the SD card), and use that to patch the files from any one version (JP, US, or Fan TL) into any other version.
You can also pirate the JP special edition (not like buying it second hand now would support the devs anyway) and patch in your preferred translation for the fullest experience.
If your on version 10.3 or greater? Where is the fan patch, haven’t been able to find it, all I can find is people discussing amiibos.
(OFW)Version 10.3 or anything before 10.3
I will admit, I came here for the giveaway.
But with that oh so helpful chart, I decided that you are wonderful, this site is wonderful, and i will probably stick around for a while
Ur cool
I am pretty fucking fantastic, yes.