The OVA starts off with an image of a shovel-faced man getting a suntan. No reason is given, which just adds to the show’s 2D depth.

With a scene jump to “the near future”, we are introduced to a girl who spends most of her time communicating with tea. Apparently awkward is the new dog whistle for Autistic.

In a park, a green-garbed man grabs his arm before the show cuts to a train platform that soon the average UTD viewer will want to jump off of. The show has enough jump cuts to make an epileptic flop like a dying fish.

As tea-chan waxes poetic, we are given a cameo of two side characters from Gunslinger Girl. Cuz why? Cuz who the fuck cares.

Our silent protagonist struggles with blowing her brains out at this point. It’s already been three minutes and nothing has happened other than spastic scene changes that would put Evangelion to shame. She sees the writing on the wall and intends to add her name beside it.

With the pull of a trigger, we are introduced to the show’s stupid title.

But as her misery ends, ours is just about to begin.

As the episode begins for real, tea-chan shows back up from the dead. Or maybe she pussed out like every other attention whoring wrist slitter. Guess where I’m putting my money.

There is also a traffic jam. I don’t know why.

Switch back to the classroom and we get introduced to tea-chan’s thirsty teacher. Seems like the kind of guy who would grab himself at a park… Perhaps he’s the creeper from the introduction?

Oh, never mind. I was expecting the show to be capable of foreshadowing. Teacher-sensei is just a pedophile, not a dirty arm grabber.

Calling tea-chan using psychoautism, the true griplord informs her of a task she must complete. Tea-chan blushes furiously — apparently it’s something lewd.

Griplord is then killed by the US Military for obvious reasons.

Tea-chan senses his death, which really turns her on (I’m starting to like this chick). But as we’re about to see some hot Vita rubbing action, we get quantum leap’d to some other bullshit.

In a poorly lit room, hackers are monitoring the situation because of course they are. This is why you put tape over your webcams, kids.

Something called pandralization is revealed to be relevant to the plot somehow. I dunno, I sorta tuned out and started thinking about how Whine-Subs should really finish Freezing.

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So, at this point I started thinking a bit too much about Freezing and realized I hadn’t fapped to anything in the past 10 minutes. So I brought up sankakucomplex’s booru and figured I’d check out some classic oppaizuri. But then I saw there was a new saltyicecream gif and… holy shit Yoruichi is almost enough to make Bleach worth it, goddamn.

Anyway, yeah, pause point while I clean myself off. Also, enjoy the arbitrary tense switches.

…So I took a shower. Literally.

Like, I don’t want to get into details but when salty throws out a new gif, my dick turns into a goddamn groin geyser. It’s basically Yellowstone, but impressive. This shit should be a national monument.

Anyway, 10 minutes of the episode passed while I was cleaning off my shame, and I’m not really sure what happened, though I can guess it involved scene jumps.

tea-chan is about to get sniped by a True Patriot, and I’m going to bet she did something in the previous 10 minutes to deserve it.

Enter the cameo girl who proceeds to decimate every American in the name of okonomiyaki or something. (Hey, you fucks signed that agreement for the base, don’t blame us.)

Mecha: launch.

Americans: BTFO.

;_;

Shovel face from the opening proceeds to enter the scene. That wasn’t a tanning bed they were on — it was a gender assignment chamber!

As our ghost in the shell looks at tea-chan, she determines that no, tea-chan cannot “still do this”…

…and thanks tea-chan for her service with a bullet.

Also, this whole scene is super sexual, which normally would get me going, but I told you about Yoruichi, right? Well not even Goku can unleash two spirit bombs in a row, so how about you get off my case, all right?

In the meantime, tea-chan’s family is assassinated,

and a fucking alien pops up out of nowhere?

Alien-kun attacks the US Forces and defeats them easily. I think this is some kind of metaphor?

Meanwhile The Major’s running up some stairs to… fuck, I dunno, jump off a building and punch the alien in mid-air?

Dammit, I forgot this show was boring.

There’s a flashy fight that would be exciting if I cared.

Kusanagi’s clothes get torn off and she gets infected with Zika or something. I’d show you the nips but I’m trying to keep Crymore worksafe so I don’t get banned from any more schools than I already am.

Alien-kun dies, only to have it turn out that mankind was the real alien all along. What a fucking twist.

Roll eyes. Roll credits. But whatever you do, don’t roll Under the Dog.

I’ll give it a 7/10 cuz at least it gave me something to fap to, if unintentionally. Speaking of, I think my battery recharged, so I’ll be catching y’all later. o/