This post was written by Dark_Sage. He is Dark_Sage.

    

Much like most current-gen media, this cancerous e-billboard has lost all claim to its “News” moniker. ANN is a garbage bin comprised solely of sadness.

Intro

Having found myself bored by the latest episodes of 91 Days and Alderamin, and perhaps more than a couple old fashioneds in, I thought I’d check drop by one of the largest North American anime sites around to see what’s been going on in the world of anime journalism while I’ve been drowning myself in alcoholism. Turns out, this shitty scene needs me more than anyone would have thought.

Or, if not me, at least some goddamn standards.

Stats

After giving the internet’s xxth-most popular animu site a quick browse, I had to give myself a quick douse. Every review seemed to be less a critical examination of a series than a blatant advertisement for the sake of some soulless sponsors. So I decided to run the numbers for ANN’s last 27 reviews, just to double-check I wasn’t unintentionally being unfair.

Scores & all post data compiled from Friday, September 16th through Friday, September 2nd.

Who’da guessed these fucking sellouts would average a score of B+ for the shows they reviewed?

And yes, they are straight sellouts. Every review promotes either Amazon, Crunchyroll, or Funimation.

Guess Daisuki didn’t pay that protection money. : (

Still, a review’s score isn’t the most important part. Rather, it’s the content that matters, right? Right.

The “Content”

An inability to accomplish more than reiterating basic concepts in the most easy to understand children’s shows,

Of course, the lingering question remains of what Subaru is going to do about

Spoiler for

Betelgeuse trying to possess him once the Sin Archbishop has been killed

, but we’ll have to wait until next episode to see what trick he has up his sleeve. Subaru is reasonably sharp when his emotions don’t overwhelm him, so I have to think he’s already planned for that.

http://www.animenewsnetwork.com/review/re-zero-starting-life-in-another-world/episode-24/.106341

understanding the very foundations of the English language,

Twin Star Exorcists uses its current run of anime-only material to tackle aspects of character development and worldbuilding I’ve waiting to see more of since the show first began.

As The Twin Stars roll out to the infected city of Shinsu, we get a real sense of the impact that Kegare infections are having on the the general population.

http://www.animenewsnetwork.com/review/twin-star-exorcists/episode-23/.106476

Betelgeuse is plotting based on his own interpretations is unclear, but that bit about her being “reborn on the fate day” is also interesting.

http://www.animenewsnetwork.com/review/re-zero-starting-life-in-another-world/episode-24/.106341

or even coming across as more human than cringey personification…

When he gets ready to hit the field, his pants fall down, revealing his underwear—complete with a slide whistle sound effect. Later he puts on his best Serious Face and stomps away from Narukami, only falling over once in the process.

http://www.animenewsnetwork.com/review/days/episode-11/.106336

Last week on The Real Housewives of Little League Baseball, Takumi and friends began their match against a local team of high school champions.

Spoiler for

He managed to strike out their star player, the hulking batter Kadowaki, but this attracted the attention of Kadowaki’s boyfriend best friend, Mizugaki, who resolves to eliminate this threat to Kadowaki’s glory.

http://www.animenewsnetwork.com/review/battery-the-animation/episode-8/.106050

…is almost uniquely characteristic of ANN’s pathetic coverage.

Hell, I broke one of their reviews down, just for their head editor, @ANNZac:

Wonder why he hasn’t responded to me on Twitter yet. Thought I was at least being as professional as they were expecting. ;_;

~MRW ANN~

I suspect the only reason AnimeNewsNetwork even has writers is as pretense to frame the conversations in their (somehow still active) forum threads. In which case, I’d recommend ANN switch to having bots write their reviews instead. Hard to get more formulaic than they already are.

Plus, at least robots can’t contract the literary Autism nearly all their writers have.