Helltaker Is a Garbage Game for Poor People With Poor Taste

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This post was written by Dark_Sage. He is Dark_Sage.

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I don’t normally wish death on folks, but this dev makes a pretty good case for magic lamps.

 

Helltaker: A Game for Those Who Find Meaning in Rick and Morty

2020 was going so well. My favorite Mexican place started doing delivery, rave masks became trendy again, and the IRS kindly bought me a new sex pillow. Then Helltaker got released.

Much like Doki Doki Literature Club, we have a guaranteed smash hit on our hands because it’s free, and all the poors had no choice but to flock to it like the warmth-seeking pubelice they are. It’s almost enough to make a man renounce communism.

Almost being the key word. Any system with mail-delivery brides is a good system in my book.

 

 

“Gameplay”

By all accounts, this shit should’ve bombed.

Ah, block puzzles. What was once a mechanic used to sell guidebooks and pad completion length in mediocre RPGs has somehow become a genre of its own. Here’s some expert Let’s Playing in action:

And that’s all there is to it, except obviously I never failed a puzzle.

 

Objectively, the core gameplay loop is shit because beating a level punishes you by forcing you into another, all the while some bland coffin dance derivative loops inoffensively in the background.

And after seven-or-so miserable levels, when you finally think you’re done for good, the game throws one last wrench into your virtual colonoscopy by turning into a reaction-based dodge-’em.

You either avoid all the stupid shit or sober up until you can. And quite frankly, that’s a yard too far. So I quit.

 

Am I overly asspained here just because I’m too prideful to accept being cockblocked by children’s block puzzles, and too consistently daydrunk to react to any stimulus less obvious than my delivery driver furiously trying to get my attention to sign for the 20% tip on my chorizo chimichangas?

 

 

The Fandom

“join usss”

This is a game invented for people who think there’s meaning in being anime fans before the normies started calling “dressing up” cosplay, but who will never realize that ship long since sailed long before they could ever pronounce boku no pico.

 

I know posting retards is cheating, but indulge me in the “fan ‘art'” side of the community:

~Drawn by the people who unironically write essays on shit like “is pocky genderqueer?”

 

Yeah, apparently the Helltaker fanart is the reason everyone got into the game, but I sure as fuck can’t tell why, or why twitter gutterfilth keep whining over and over about hasbro hotel or someshit.

I always wonder if real artists ever get tired of this “le pancakes lmao big chungus 100” shit rising to the top of the collective pile, but then I remember that even if they did care they’d never have the ovaries to raise the topic. Big simpin’s the motto of nu_gen after all.

“yeah, genuflect is my favorite pokemon”

As far as I’m concerned, if you liked a single portion of the game, or anything the fanbase has come up with, you should be intubated with a sewer pipe.

Bitches better thank god there ain’t cons this year, cuz I have to deal with filth in $100 Men’s Wearhouse suits on a regular basis, and if I saw a cos-thot in one I might just have to pull out my lighter and burn a few hundred calories. There’s a reason Brooks Brothers uses mannequins you plastic fucks; invest harder.

Okay, maybe I’m not being fair to the “community”. Let’s see what these folks have managed to come up with in quarantine:

All right, I don’t think my arms can punch down that far. Let’s move on.

 

 

Characters

With most waifubait games, I’d give a tierlist, to let you know just how superior my taste is. But as far as I could tell, this game doesn’t have characters so much as low-effort concept art with a piece or two of dialogue.

These girls look rough, and not in the good way.

 

Instead, here’s a Boruto waifu tierlist:

 

S-Tier

Uchiha Sarada

Boruto came out 5 years ago, so she’s legal now, right?

 

 

A-Tier

MILF Hinata

Just as good as regular Hinata.

 

Karui, I think?

I don’t remember her from the original, but that’s probably because I never finished it.

 

 

B-Tier

Whoever this swaglord is.

She got the chops.

 

 

C-Tier

The Other MILFs, excluding Sakura who has all the value of a redditor’s sperm.

Ino may be the best cumdump of the Naruto franchise, but as a top anime critic I require more from my waifus than a steady supply of free milk and marshmallow creme

 

 

D-Tier

These kids. I don’t know their names, and it’s probably better that way.

I’m spooked

 

 

F-Tier

Snek-chan (fat version)

What the hell did they do to you, Anko? ;_;

 

That’s probably every chick in Boruto. Let’s move on before anyone wastes time on factchecking a franchise that went out worse than Bleach did.

 

 

Final Score

Like post-cake-induced-menopause Anko, Helltaker gets a 1/10. And it only made that singular point for inspiring enough hate to make me remember my password to a site I haven’t been on in a year. Thanks, Łukasz Piskorz. Your shit game may have inadvertently saved the anime scene by being the worst thing that could ever happen to it in 2020.

I mean, High Guardian Spice is still canceled, right?

 

As an aside:

The site’s kinda… out of date. What’s the wish list here? Formatting optimized for both mobile/desktop? HTTPS? Those dancing waifus from the Geocities era? Can’t do daily content but I can manage better than yearly. LMK; been a while since we’ve talked. <3

39 thoughts on “Helltaker Is a Garbage Game for Poor People With Poor Taste”

  2. Wishlist:
    Get an SSL certificate from LetsEncrypt
    Get better taste
    Modern wordspress theme
    Update Wordspress
    Don’t die again
    Bully fansubs some more
    Shit-talk everything into the ground some more
    Have a boxing match with herkz judicated by Josh from Some-Stuffs

    Reply

    • Honestly I already bought an SSL cert years ago. Just got too frustrated with figuring out how to install it… Maybe I’ll fuck off from fucking off this weekend lol.

      As for theme, I bought Generate Press (maybe I’ll dive into what it’s SUPPOSED to look like) and at times when I’m logging in, everything gets updated to the newest version. IDK, what the fuck is modern, really? Youtube videos & twitch streams?

      Reply

  5. Asshole gives English lessons over anime fansubs is where it was at for me senpai, although I enjoy stuff like this too.

    Also bring back search at least.

    Reply

  7. Welcome back. Surprised to see some content here. It’s been so long. I miss your salty goodness.
    For content you could just toss up post season reviews with just a quick score and 1-2 line comment. I mean that’s pretty low effort.

    Reply

  8. You’re just an attention whoring child. You pay money for a game that you rated 1/10 just to leave the only negative comment on it. You say that you beat all the puzzles on the “first try” yet you couldn’t even beat a simple rhythm based dodging game. You are just trash at the game and got mad so you gave it a negative review. Looking at your steam profile you also seem to be a piece of shit no-life who spends all day beating their meat to hentai and playing datings sims because you can never find someone of your own. You are disgusting.

    Reply

  14. Holy shit man you really think anyone cares what you have to say? Get a life and stop writing articles like you’re the New York Times lmao. All you do is hate shit and that’s it, it doesn’t make you quirky, interesting, and certainly not funny. You’re not the AVGN, don’t bother trying. And also you can’t handle criticism based off some of your replies to other comments, you’re downright laughable. Have a mundane evening.

    Reply

    • On behalf of all humanity, I am sorry that your mental situation has led you to this point in life. Honestly, our education system owes those special individuals such as yourself much more than you have thus far received.

      Rest assured, I will fight for your rights to live in a world where you no longer need to wear a helmet to cross the street, and no longer need your mother’s permission to talk to that “cute” 300-lb girl at your local grocery store.

      Reply

  16. This must be a joke right? I mean, I’ve never read an article as stupid and egocentric as this one. This is also my first time on this website, so I can’t really tell if I’m supposed to take this crap seriously.

    Reply

  17. I think a more interesting article could’ve been made, focusing on the “waifubait” art over gameplay a bit more. I know the main purpose of this article was to be funny but I think there should’ve been enough room for a straightforward criticism.

    Reply

  18. I’ve never been on this site before but Jesus Christ this whole article was hilarious to read. I think I want to see more of this!

    Reply

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