I buy bad things so you don’t have to.

 

Intro

The basic concept around a “loot crate” is that you subscribe to receive a monthly shipment of capitalism (in a “crate”) filled with items worth more than what you paid for them. The kicker is you don’t know what you’re getting — the company you get the box from will only send you a random assortment of shit that matches a particular theme.

But the mystery makes it fun!™

Anyways, I found myself with a couple crate subscriptions for November, and this is how part 1 of that adventure panned out…

 

 

Loot Anime

Loot Anime is technically a new service (having only started last month), but it’s run by the people who created the entire concept back in 2012, so you’d assume they’d have their shit together by now.

I saw the December crate they had up as an example of what subscribers would get going forward, and while I thought it was distinctly not worth the $60 they claimed it was…

…an exclusive manga printing, some bandages for when I get too deep into a fap session, and a weeb mug to hold my whiskey sours– Actually, fuck, that’s not even worth $20.

Dubious value aside, I signed up to get a January crate. Worst case I’d only be out $30. Best case they’d ship me a Fairy Tail pocket pussy. Worth a dice roll at least, right?

 

 

An Enchanting Premise

While I despise its lazy trash fandom who think paying $25 for a poor-fitting shirt makes them cosplayers, NGNL is one series I wouldn’t mind having more swag of. So I thought this sounded good:

Unfortunately for the Dark_Sage, I assumed a certain level of competence that was never going to be met by these chucklefucks.

Yeah, not only was I gonna screwed out of my NGNL swag, I wasn’t even gonna get it on time. Waiting ain’t altogether a problem for me, but I’m always wary of anything that causes confidence issues that can’t be solved with pills. And it turns out my sagey sense had been tingling for a reason.

 

 

The Crate

Here’s a breakdown of the goods bads:

 

A Fairy Tail-licensed scarf.

What the fuck am I supposed to do with a licensed scarf? Can’t even hang myself with it cuz the thing feels as cheap as any cosplayer’s self-esteem who’d actually wear it.

Hell, I’d donate this to a homeless shelter, but even the homeless have pride. Guess I’ll just use it as a dust cloth or something.

 

An unwearable t-shirt.

While fashion has never played a part in my wardrobe choices, the odds of me repping Rokka publicly are about as low as PonyCan’s chances of survival in the US.

 

A pin, a cell phone strap, konpeito, a key ring, and a cardboard print of some Loot Crate staffer’s Mickey Mouse fanart.

Holy junk, Batman!

That’s literally all I fucking got for my $30 investment, other than the commemorative poster listing off all the trash they unloaded on me. I’d show you a picture but I already used it to test out my fire alarm.

 

 

Loot is Over

Apparently this coming month’s crate is super duper close to selling out and omg you should buy now or you will regret it forevers!

Yeah, no. I would strongly recommend you avoid this and let someone else get assfucked by Loot Anime’s bleeding, herpetic dick. Your butt deserves better.